I got an anonymous email from one of my readers, asking about matchmaking –if and how it can work. While some romantic matches bloom into outstandingly loving relationships, some become the biggest mistake of a person's life. What is the right way to find what we call ‘one’s true love’?
First, it is important to admit that logic and reasoning cannot explain the matters of the heart. Logic just does not do justice to the desire to spend one’s life with a particular person when there are other options (especially when these other options are easier and, maybe, more straightforward.) One thing is clear, however; there are no right and wrong ways to find the ‘right’ person. Matchmaking is simply a tool –it can turn out right, it can also be your worst nightmare.
The person you marry changes everything else in your life –for better or for worse. Friends and family may try to ‘hook’ you up with someone they think you can work things out. Some have your best interest at heart –they simply want to help you ‘get’ a partner. These gestures are good and should be appreciated. Unfortunately, some others have ulterior motives. I have met some people who make matches just to have ‘gloating rights’ i.e. to be able to take credit for the couple’s happiness. They want to be able to say, ‘You are married because I hooked you up with him or her’
I have also witnessed some seemly trustworthy figures try to influence another person’s marital decisions to promote their personal ambitions. If you find out that a matchmaker lied to you, deceived you or manipulate facts to get you into a relationship with someone, my guess is that you are in trouble. If the matchmaker keeps giving you reasons to marry their choice and not another, there are ulterior motives involved. Falling into these traps means you will always end up doing what they want, either consciously or unconsciously. If such a person can influence who you marry, he or she has influenced your life. You will find out years later that your spouse was just their tool – my guess also, is that they also influenced the partner. The result is that you will both be stuck, trying to make the marriage work. A mistake that was meant to end, continued.
I am not saying that matchmaking is manipulative. No, not at all. The decision about who to marry should be a product of what you know in your heart, and not anything else. Has a friendship developed with this person or you are complete strangers? It is true that real friendship happens in marriage, but do you see the possibility of this person becoming your closest friend and confidante? Do you see yourself becoming all that you are meant to be with this person as your spouse?
When you are with the person, are you sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with him or her, or you are in the relationship only because you have already made a commitment? I am not referring to a butterfly-in-the-tummy experience; do you know in your heart that you belong, or you just want the relationship to work? Remember the saying, “Home is where the heart is.” When you are with this person, are you ‘at home’? Are you giving your heart and soul, or does he or she only has your body, mind and resources? Like King Solomon said, the way (love) between a man and a woman defies logic.
If you are a spiritual person, what is your spirit saying? A strong spirit-man knows to follow the leadings of the spirit instead of his head, his emotions his friends or family. A minister once shared a story about how he found out during his wedding reception that his beloved wife had a bet with her friends that she would marry him. This happened two years before, when he did not know she existed. He had his doubts about their relationship but he dismissed the bet, since they had both fallen in love with each other, at least he thought so. Fast forward by three years, he got a gun to kill his wife, and then himself. They were both frustrated. The only reason he did not commit the crime is that she left before he came back home.
Your decision to spend the rest of your life with someone is yours and yours alone. It does not matter whether you had ten dates or no date with the person, you know in your heart when you are with the right person. Do not let someone talk you into doing anything. You will only succeed in life by being true to yourself. Only one soul-searching question can answer this matchmaking question, ‘Are you being true to yourself by marrying this person?’ If you cannot honestly and wholeheartedly say, ‘Yes’, then the match is a big mistake.
