When I Almost Lost It

When we experience pain or hurt, our initial reaction is usually to try to find a way to get it out of our minds. We don’t want to remember it, so we try to numb the unpleasant feeling. I once read about a drunk who was asked why he is always drunk. He replied that it’s because he wants to forget his troubles. I thought that was rather foolish, as the troubles are still there when the effect of the alcohol has worn out. 

I have found out that the humane way out of trouble is to run from it. Unfortunately, the problem is still there after whatever we do.  I woke up one morning to realize that I wasn’t where I was supposed to be in life. I had done everything right or at least done most things right (as much as I could) but it seems there wasn’t much good in doing the right things.

I was born into a Christian family; both my parents were ministers so I grew up being the good girl in the neighborhood. No alcohol (even when I had several opportunities to drink it,) no having relationships that would compromise my values . I even cut off from my friends who had abortions – I remembered my father’s words, “Evil communication corrupts good manners.” I faced my studies, and only I got involved in extra-curricular activities that could help me intellectually.

All of a sudden, things began to fall apart. It was like everything I touched immediately turned to dust.  It seemed like I was failing at everything. Here was I, the same intelligent young girl whose test scripts were often photocopied by departmental colleagues to study for exams, now couldn’t even think straight.

I was angry at everyone, I was angry with God. I was gradually being buried with disappointments the same way an avalanche would bury a human being along its path. The more I thought about the various fiascos that led to my let-downs, the more I sunk into a deep and dark hollow, going for days without saying more than "hello" to anyone. I can remember an elderly man looking at me and saying “Iyinoluwa, you are confused. I seriously think so!”

I was felt really down and sad. Folks around me kept asking, “What’s wrong?” “You seem disoriented and disorganized, are you fine?” I gave the reply we always have handy “I’m fine.” Deep inside, I knew I wasn’t fine at all. I knew if I continued like that, I would not only become disillusioned about life, I probably would loose my mind. I was wondering what to do when someone shared this scripture with me: “When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” (Psalm 61:2)

(To be continued in the next post)