Daddy Issues: When an Adult Still Needs to Grow Up

Credit: Ken & Lola Nkwocha's Library

‘Inside every woman is a little girl, and inside every man is a little boy,’ so the saying goes. We have to agree that this statement is true, but to what extent? A woman refuses to trust men because her dad left home and never returned, or a man who does not want to have anything to do with his law degree because his father forced him to study it, would you blame them? How far should childhood experiences determine the course of our adult lives?

Personal experiences color our perceptions of life. Consequently, we make decisions based on our experiences. In elementary school, we learn to read and write. This is not only an educational experience, it is a good and necessary experience because as we progress to in life, we put this knowledge of reading and writing to profitable use, in one way or the other. But what about bad experiences, what do we do with them? Generally, we put them to use as well, and this is where problem begins.

I remember my childhood friend. His dad advised him that when he gets married, he should be secretive with his income. His wife should not know how much he earns. According to his father, the woman will make him spend all his money on her alone, as his wife (the boy’s mum) tries to do. Then, I asked him a question, “Does your mum know your dad’s income?” You know the answer. This experience has triggered distrust for women’s financial responsibility in him, though he is a well-meaning and kind-hearted person.

There are also men and women who refuse to do certain things because they were forced by their parents to do these things as kids. People with domineering parents usually do not want to walk in their parent’s steps --no matter how good they are. They do not want to re-experience the feelings of subjugation and repression. (You may want to see an earlier post: I’m Strong, You are Weak –There’s Nothing You Can Do about It!) These types of children want to live their own dreams without shrinking or shrivelling under a power-drunk authority figure. Sometimes, they become rebellious and overtly independent. I believe it is good to be independent, but it becomes a problem when a person thinks he or she can achieve goals without the help of anyone at all.

It is the opposite for children who were constantly dotted on. In their case, their parents spoiled them rotten, giving them everything they wanted without teaching the importance of self-discipline and contentment. As adults, they want re-enactments of those experiences from their loved ones. Their friends become debtors who owe them attention, and their spouses must be Dr. Fix-It. They believe it is other people’s responsibility to make them happy, looking to everyone and anyone for everything; when in fact, they need to search    one place --inside themselves.

Everyone has a past –good, bad, ugly, wonderful; but I believe that the past should remain what it is: past. Many people have made excuses, shameful excuses if I may, out of family challenges. In the process of running from, (or sometimes running to,) the same issues, they remain within the boundaries of their past. Like I always say, “You may not be able to determine what other people do to you, but you can determine what you do to yourself.” No matter how great our parents are, they have their flaws. If we let these flaws determine the course of our lives, the result will be our fault. Many people have daddy issues but when your daddy’s (or mummy’s) problem becomes your problem, then, you have a problem.

Our ability to move beyond the limits of our experiences, and embrace the possibility of a better life is what will determine whether we become what we have the potential to become, or merely become what was made of us. Either way, it is not our parents’ fault. My advice to every man or woman with daddy issues is this: throw your feeding bottle away and get a spoon; better still, cook your own food!

How to Look Attractive

I was invited to a party when I was a teenager. Aside the fact that I was not a party person (I am still not;) I did not really have party outfits, so I decided not to attend parties altogether. However, this decision was short-lived, as my family had friends and neighbors who always seem to have occasions for celebration and not going to some of those parties could be rude. I knew I had to do something my boring wardrobe. That is when I got interested in fashion.  

I started to ask questions. I learnt how to do make-up, and how to use a sowing machine to work on ready-made clothes. I also worked with a fashion designer for a few weeks. I started designing my own clothes and gradually, my looks changed; it still keeps evolving. These days, I get questions about fashion –how to look a particular way, how to combine fabrics and colors, how to walk in a particular way etc.  So, in this post, I will answer the root of some of those questions; which is boils down to 'How do I Look Attractive?'  
An attractive look is not cut in stone; when you see it, you just know it is attractive. The first rule in the book is carriage.  How do you carry yourself? How do you see yourself?  Looking good goes beyond your dress size, this does not mean you should be satisfied with excess body fat. (To make sure your weight is  right, you can check your Body Mass Index here.) When it comes to your body, it is not really about what people say about you, what matters is what YOU think. What you tell others about yourself is quite irrelevant, except your body says the same.  

Ladies, ask the men and they will tell you that they would notice, quite easily, a woman who feels comfortable in her own skin. The same applies to the men. At this point, the lyrics of a song come to mind. It says, "I like my skirts to my ankles, my shirt up to my neck. Sexy is an attitude, and not a state of undress." Good self-esteem is like a magnet; it attracts easily.  
Next, you may need to work on your skin. Because the skin is a very delicate organ, you should pay some extra attention to it. Don’t take care of your skin any less than you care for your clothes, because your skin is your first and most noticed outfit –you wear it every day! If it looks good, you will look good; but if a person’s skin has noticeable blemishes, his or her looks may not be on point, no matter how good the clothes or accessories are. There are simple tips you can work with, like cleaning your face before going to bed,  eating right, as well as knowing your skin type and taking care of it accordingly. I will write more about this in subsequent posts but if you think your skin needs special attention, you may need to see a professional.  

Another thing you need to consider is your body type. Can you honestly say that you like your features? Many people want to look, dress and act like somebody they know. Try as much as you can, you can never, ever, look exactly like somebody else; this is nothing but the truth. Some folks will look much better if their clothes suit their shape. Identify your physiological features and work around it. No person has the perfect body, as there will be a flaw here and some spots there. What fashion does is to help you hide the flaws and project the attractive parts.  

Finally, buy right. Do not just buy clothes because they look good on display. Bear in mind that what you see on models may not always suit you. The fashion items you see in pictures are always tweaked.  While most models and mannequins have hour-glass shape, not many women do. This means that you have to choose outfits based on your shape. If you are a man with a slim, sleek body, try to avoid very baggy clothes. If you are plus-sized, bold patterns and prints may not be your best choice. Know your dress size and buy the correct fit! To find out your clothes size for most designers, just click this link.

What is your body type? Find out and dress it well.