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| Credit: Ken & Lola Nkwocha's Library |
‘Inside every woman is a little girl, and inside every man is a little boy,’ so the saying goes. We have to agree that this statement is true, but to what extent? A woman refuses to trust men because her dad left home and never returned, or a man who does not want to have anything to do with his law degree because his father forced him to study it, would you blame them? How far should childhood experiences determine the course of our adult lives?
Personal experiences color our perceptions of life. Consequently, we make decisions based on our experiences. In elementary school, we learn to read and write. This is not only an educational experience, it is a good and necessary experience because as we progress to in life, we put this knowledge of reading and writing to profitable use, in one way or the other. But what about bad experiences, what do we do with them? Generally, we put them to use as well, and this is where problem begins.
I remember my childhood friend. His dad advised him that when he gets married, he should be secretive with his income. His wife should not know how much he earns. According to his father, the woman will make him spend all his money on her alone, as his wife (the boy’s mum) tries to do. Then, I asked him a question, “Does your mum know your dad’s income?” You know the answer. This experience has triggered distrust for women’s financial responsibility in him, though he is a well-meaning and kind-hearted person.
There are also men and women who refuse to do certain things because they were forced by their parents to do these things as kids. People with domineering parents usually do not want to walk in their parent’s steps --no matter how good they are. They do not want to re-experience the feelings of subjugation and repression. (You may want to see an earlier post: I’m Strong, You are Weak –There’s Nothing You Can Do about It!) These types of children want to live their own dreams without shrinking or shrivelling under a power-drunk authority figure. Sometimes, they become rebellious and overtly independent. I believe it is good to be independent, but it becomes a problem when a person thinks he or she can achieve goals without the help of anyone at all.
It is the opposite for children who were constantly dotted on. In their case, their parents spoiled them rotten, giving them everything they wanted without teaching the importance of self-discipline and contentment. As adults, they want re-enactments of those experiences from their loved ones. Their friends become debtors who owe them attention, and their spouses must be Dr. Fix-It. They believe it is other people’s responsibility to make them happy, looking to everyone and anyone for everything; when in fact, they need to search one place --inside themselves.
Everyone has a past –good, bad, ugly, wonderful; but I believe that the past should remain what it is: past. Many people have made excuses, shameful excuses if I may, out of family challenges. In the process of running from, (or sometimes running to,) the same issues, they remain within the boundaries of their past. Like I always say, “You may not be able to determine what other people do to you, but you can determine what you do to yourself.” No matter how great our parents are, they have their flaws. If we let these flaws determine the course of our lives, the result will be our fault. Many people have daddy issues but when your daddy’s (or mummy’s) problem becomes your problem, then, you have a problem.
Our ability to move beyond the limits of our experiences, and embrace the possibility of a better life is what will determine whether we become what we have the potential to become, or merely become what was made of us. Either way, it is not our parents’ fault. My advice to every man or woman with daddy issues is this: throw your feeding bottle away and get a spoon; better still, cook your own food!
